


Jerry Springer: "Workplace Crushes"

by Augustus



Series: Dollar Bills [2]
Category: Jerry Springer Show, The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-08-15
Updated: 2000-08-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 16:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3177301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If The Bill were American - take two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jerry Springer: "Workplace Crushes"

_(The camera flits back and forth over a crowded audience, which is shouting "Jerry! Jerry!" repeatedly. Finally, it picks out Jerry Springer himself amongst the screaming hordes. Fiddling with his cue-cards, he turns to the camera and smiles patronisingly.)_

JERRY: Hello, and welcome. On today's show, we will be talking to men who have secret crushes on their work-mates. One of these men is D.C. Tom Proctor.

_(The camera shot switches to a semi-close-up of Tom himself.)_

TOM: _(Grinning broadly)_ Hi Jerry!

JERRY: Hi. _(He takes a look at his cards.)_ Now, Tom, you have a secret crush on fellow D.C., Rodney Skase, is that right?

TOM: That's right, Jerry.

_(There is a murmur amongst the crowd. Despite the fact that almost every surprise revelation on Springer is something to do with a same-sex crush or affair, the audience still acts surprised and shocked every time.)_

JERRY: _(To the audience)_ Yes, yes, calm down. Tom has a crush on his work-mate - who just happens to be another man. _(To Tom)_ So, tell us what makes this guy so fantastic.

TOM: _(Sounding as though he's completely besotted.)_ Well, he's just so goddamn pretty! 

_(The audience applauds.)_

TOM: He may not be the smartest man at work, but he's the epitome of tall, dark and handsome.

JERRY: He sounds like a real catch.

TOM: Oh, he is. And he knows it. I always _have_ been a sucker for men with big egos. 

JERRY: _(Aside.)_ Thank god it's only big egos he's looking for!

_(The audience roars its approval, before launching into a few seconds' worth of "Jerry! Jerry!".)_

JERRY: _(To Tom)_ And you're going to let Rod know how you feel about him _today_ , is that right?

TOM: _(Nervously.)_ Yeah.

JERRY: Okay! Let's bring him out! Please give a warm welcome to D.C. Rod Skase!

_(The crowd roars as Rod stalks onto the stage, strutting about and blowing kisses to everyone in the crowd. As he sits down, he searches for Springer amongst the audience.)_

ROD: Oh, there you are. Hi Jerry!

JERRY: Hi and welcome to the show, Rod. _(He takes a glance at his cards.)_ Do you know this man beside you?

_(Rod looks over at Tom and nods before turning back to Jerry.)_

ROD: Yeah. That's Tom. We work together.

JERRY: And is that all there is to your relationship?

ROD: I guess we're friends, if that's what you're talking about.

JERRY: _(Raising his hands in an over-the-top gesture of uncertainty.)_ Hey! Why would _I_ know what I'm talking about? I'm just the host, right?

_(The audience roar.)_

JERRY: Tom has brought you here today, Rod, because he has something that he wants to tell you. _(He turns to Tom.)_ Go ahead, Tom.

_(Tom turns in his head so that he's facing Rod. Shyly, he grabs his co-worker's hand.)_

TOM: Uh, Rod, I brought you on Jerry today because I wanted to tell you something.

ROD: Yeah?

TOM: I… _(He pauses for a second or two.)_ I - I have a crush on you.

_(The audience all applauds as the camera zooms in for a close up of Rod's reaction. He's smirking, as if he's not at all surprised.)_

JERRY: And what's your reaction to that, Rod.

ROD: _(Casting a glance at Tom, who has dropped his hand.)_ I had a feeling he might like me as more than a friend. _(He grins at the audience and shrugs.)_ It's just the ol' Skase charisma, I suppose! 

_(The audience cheers.)_

JERRY: You don't seem too worried about this revelation, Rod. Do you think there's any future for you and Tom?

ROD: Well, I'm actually already in a relationship at the moment, Jerry.

_(Jerry takes another look at his cards before continuing.)_

JERRY: Let's bring out Rod's current boyfriend now, shall we? He's been listening backstage. Please welcome D.S. John Boulton - Rod's partner and both men's superior officer at work!

_(The crowd goes wild at this revelation. John runs onto the stage and immediately throws himself at Tom. The two struggle a little, knocking over several chairs, before Steve and his fellow bouncers step in to break it up. The audience screams insanely.)_

JERRY: Calm down! Remember, you're on national television.

JOHN: _(Panting)_ BEEP! national television!

JERRY: Come on, John, sit down. Do you really want all of America to see you acting like this and speaking like that?

JOHN: I don't give a BEEEEEP!

 _(Steve physically picks up the considerably shorter John and_ places _him in his allocated chair - which has luckily been righted by one of the other bouncers. Now that Boulton's seated, Tom sits down of his own accord. Rod looks quite pleased with himself for having promoted such a scuffle.)_

JERRY: I'm going to have to ask you to calm down, John.

JOHN: _(Glaring at Tom.)_ I'm calm, I'm calm.

JERRY: Okay then, Rod - 

_(He pauses, as John quickly pulls off one of his shoes and hurls it at Tom, who catches it right in the middle of his left cheek bone.)_

TOM: You're BEEEEEP! -ing insane!

JOHN: BEEEEEP! you, you hoochie ho!

TOM: Talk to the hand, loser.

_(Steve heads back up on the stage to collect the shoes of everyone up there, to prevent any further incidents.)_

JERRY: I'm coming up there. Stay in your seats. I don't want to get hurt - I'm a coward.

_(The audience roars at one of Jerry's most over used 'witticisms'. Jerry does as he predicted and wanders up onto the stage.)_

JERRY: Now, John, could you - _calmly_ \- tell us why you're angry with Tom.

JOHN: The ho's trying to steal my man!

JERRY: But surely it's Rod who this is all about? Why don't you ask _him_ what he wants from this situation?

JOHN: I don't need to. _(He throws a dirty look at Tom.)_ My man's not interested in hood-rats like Proctor over there.

JERRY: Is that true, Rod?

ROD: _(Evasively.)_ It's not that I don't _like_ Tom, Jerry. He's a nice guy and everything, but I'm with John.

JERRY: Tom - how do _you_ feel about that?

TOM: _(Shrugging)_ I knew he and John were together, so I wasn't really expecting anything more.

JERRY: Why did you come here, then?

TOM: I guess I just wanted things out in the open.

_(Jerry wanders back up into the crowd.)_

JERRY: I think it's time for some questions from the audience.

_(He gestures for a white-trash woman to take the microphone. She grins at the camera with an almost toothless mouth. Her mousy roots are almost as long as the oily blond remainder of her hair.)_

WOMAN: My question is for Rod. If you _weren't_ with John, would you go out on a date with Tom or something?

JERRY: Rod?

_(Rod looks in disgust at the ugly woman he is being forced to speak to.)_

ROD: Look, I don't know. I haven't thought about it. I _am_ with John, so it's not exactly an issue.

WOMAN: But do you find Tom attractive?

_(Rod gives the younger DC an appraising look.)_

ROD: Yeah, he's okay.

JOHN: _(Jumping up.)_ You bitch!

_(Rod stands too and tries to calm him down.)_

ROD: Oh, don't be so jealous, John. You were only saying _yourself_ the other day that you liked the tight pants he was wearing at work.

JOHN: _(Growling.)_ That's different.

ROD: _(Getting angry himself.)_ Why? Why is it different? Because you're allowed to ogle whoever you want to, but I have to look at _you_ 24/7? Is that it?

JOHN: _(Shrugging)_ I have no problem with that.

_(Glaring at each other, they are persuaded to sit down by Steve.)_

JERRY: It seems to me, Rod and John, that Tom's not the _only_ cause of trouble in your relationship. Am I right?

ROD: Well, we have our problems, but that's normal. 

JOHN: Exactly.

JERRY: Do you love each other.

JOHN: Of course.

JERRY: Rod?

ROD: _(Evasively)_ Well, yeah, I _do_ love him.

JERRY: But?

ROD: I guess it's just that he can be so bossy. It’s like he forgets that we're not at work anymore and that he's not my superior when we're at home.

_(John stifles an amused titter. Obviously he has different ideas about that.)_

ROD: And he's really possessive too. Look at how he's acting today. He has to learn that I wouldn't _be_ with him if I were interested in anyone else. 

JERRY: What's your response to that, John?

JOHN: _(Shrugging)_ I'm a jealous person. Rod knew that when he agreed to go out with me.

ROD: _(Turning to John.)_ I just wish that you'd learn to trust me, John.

JOHN: I suppose I do, really.

JERRY: How about another question from the audience?

_(This time he chooses an overweight black man who is wearing a too-tight baseball style tee-shirt with the word "player" emblazoned on the front.)_

MAN: John, you like Tom too, right?

JOHN: _(Shrugging)_ He has a nice arse. And he lets me boss him around as much as I want to.

MAN: Well then, it's easy. Why don't you all just have a threesome?

_(The audience cheers madly. Obviously they like this idea.)_

ROD: I'd be up for it if John didn't mind.

JERRY: Tom, what about you? We know you have feelings for Rod, but what do you think about your sergeant?

TOM: Well, I've never really thought about him in that way. But if it meant that I got to be with Rod…

_(The audience gets even louder and begins the call of "Jerry! Jerry!" once again.)_

JOHN: Hey, I'm not too sure about this! 

JERRY: No? Why not, John?

JOHN: Well, I just get the feeling that it's going to end up with Rod and Tom going for it and me left on the side having to just watch the whole thi…

_(He breaks off as an evil smile begins to form on his face.)_

JOHN: You know, maybe we can work something out.

JERRY: _(Aside)_ He's a regular humanitarian.

_(The audience laughs loudly and annoyingly.)_

JERRY: We've got to go to an ad, but before we do, Tom, do you think this was all worth it?

TOM: Hell yeah!

_(The audience begins an endless cry of "Jerry! Jerry!". Jerry speaks over the top of them.)_

JERRY: After the break, a probationer reveals a secret crush directed at his very own puppy walker.

_(The camera zooms back as Jerry wanders through the audience and out of site. Cut to ad.)_

**{FIN}  
15th August 2000**


End file.
